Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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