I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
