when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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