I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize