The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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