i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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