listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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