So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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