i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
