never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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