still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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