Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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