I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
