I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
