I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
