Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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