he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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