First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i now understand why vodka
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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