GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
