I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
