I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize