I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
