I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
