the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Never underestimate the power of titties
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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