I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
