what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
