You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
