I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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