Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
