we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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