At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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