If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
