Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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