Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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