I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
