My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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