Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i drank out of a bidet.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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