I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
