getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize