i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
