I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
