You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
