No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
