u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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