Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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