I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He felt like a one man threesome
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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