Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
