Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
