Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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