And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
