And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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