I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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