I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
