You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
