sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
