You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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