I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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